Stu's visit to Egypt.
06/13/02
World Cup Craziness
"You mock that which you don't understand."-Scott Parsons
I don't get it. Football should be played on a gridiron, not a pitch. And call them games, not matches. Teams, not
clubs, should duke it out until somebody wins. Low scoring games are okay when two defensive juggernauts are
embroiled in a "Battle Royale", but you should never cheer for a zero-zero tie.
The NFL of my life has been replaced by FIFA. All that I know about the game has been turned upside down. And
there is no use complaining about it, because I am the only person within a thousand miles that has a dissenting
opinion about soccer. It's all I can do to keep a straight face when I see a
long-haired, swarthy pretty-boy jump into the air and, instead of catching
the ball, try to bounce it off of his head. Randy Moss would never do that.
I do what I normally do in this situation. I put on my proverbial dunce cap and ask stupid questions in a
condescending voice. Of course, I see it as making insightful observations about the absurdity of the sport thereby
convincing others what fools they are for getting all worked up over a trivial children's game, but my efforts go
unappreciated.
"What's the score?"
"Zero-zero"
"Who's winning?"
"Nobody, it's a tie."
"Why don't they pick up the ball?"
"They can't use their hands."
"Why did the ref pick up the ball?"
"He's the goalie."
"Why is his uniform different?"
"Just watch the game."
"Why is everyone cheering?"
"Because the ball went out of bounds."
"How much time is left?"
"Maybe a couple of minutes."
"Maybe?"
"Only the ref knows."
Suddenly, the players simply stop kicking the ball around and walk off the field. The room erupts with boisterous
applause. I surmise that the game has ended in a zero-zero tie. Yet people are acting like Adam Vineratari has
just kicked a game winning field goal as time expired.
I don't get it.